Smiles

I feel a little better today, but not completely 100% yet. I went to go eat at my favorite restaurant to just slow down and remember my grandma (I ended up getting an omiyage [some special cake] from the restaurant. Not sure why, but it seems that I go there regularly enough...). I think a lot of posts from here on out will be about my grandma as I remember her from what memories I have.

I think the biggest memory of all that I have is when I was sick and she came to LA. It's probably not the greatest memory in my head, but it's something that will always be in my mind. Never did I once see a worried face from her, even though I knew that she was worried about my health. I still remember that I didn't want her to see me suffer like that. It was really hard to hide it because at the time I could barely eat anything. I still remember. I ate about half a bowl of rice and sorbet. The sorbet was something quite special, and I think at that point I kind of lit up. When she saw that smile on my face, she smiled brightly as well.

My grandmother couldn't always smile that well due to her old age, but I could feel her happiness. Even until the last day, when I just only saw her on skype, she was just delighted to see me. Her first comment would always be, "You're so pretty." Whenever she'd greet me at the airport, I'd always give her a big hug, but afterwords, she'd always have to gaze at me for a moment. That gaze always makes me feel like she's telling me "My how big you've grown." She might have said it outright, but I could never understand Cantonese. I wish I learned it, but there never was a chance. Even though we couldn't talk to each other, without words, I feel as if I knew what she was saying.

One of the biggest smiles I remember from my grandma was when she gave me this pink puffy vest. I still remember that the vest was stuffed into this black bag, and when she pulled it out, the whole thing, it kind of just sprang out because it was stuffed so tightly. She was just beaming with joy when she held it out to me, as if she was a little kid. She was so proud at what she had picked up herself even though everyone was saying that it was just a sale item for like 10 Canadian dollars. I can never forget that face. I will keep that vest with me forever.

Grandma, I know you're looking down on all of us with that bright beautiful smile. I know I'll never be able to see it again, but certainly, I can feel it around me.