2010

I'm having a hard time coming up with something to write because I don't want to dive to deep into what happened this year. It's gone, so it's time to move on. However, the biggest event that still think about is my grandma passing away. It's already been 6 months, but there are times when I still can't believe she's gone. For now, I will just celebrate a new year and things to look forward.

That's all for now. Happy New Year everyone! <3

Ostomy

I don't have my bag anymore, but I certainly feel for those who still have it.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40291856/ns/travel-news

Days

Eyes awaken to cold air, still wrapped cozily
'Tis a brand new day
The change of season, the change of time
'Tis late already
Shuffle! Bang!
I chase time, for it does not wait
No time to waste
Buried with diction
Buried with syntax
For the day of judgment creeps near
Oh how nice would it be to
Concentrate!
The days, tick tock

(Ok, a little abstract, but I just wanted to try something new)

Obento

I can't help be proud of making my first bento ever. I must say, it tasted really good! I didn't make the seaweed on the very left, but I made everything else. Success!!

I will update later at length my first private lesson, but I just wanted to pop this picture in.

Hakuna Mata

Ok, not my motto, but certainly need just something to make me clear my head. (Thanks, Lion King XD)

Certainly a lack of updates lately because it'd just be me throwing fits and ranting about how depressed I was. So, I don't want to delve into that anymore because it's pointless. Though, I am feeling better, and am just going to take things as it comes. It's certainly not really a situation that I'd like, but there isn't anything much to really change it, so all I can do at the moment is learn what I can, and hope that I will be able to make something out of this. I know I've kind of secluded myself in depressing times, but I guess it's how I deal with it. I'm always grateful to those who are always there for me in these times.

I've been finding it harder to blog lately. I always wonder what I should be writing about or what to say in times like these. Life hasn't really been all that interesting to blog about, or probably I just don't want to reveal too much truth about my life. I always feel like I have to think a lot about what I want to write about that I end of not writing anything at all. Perhaps it's just timing with these types of things. Lately, I get caught in a moment, and usually want to write about it, but when that moment passes when I get home, I don't want to write about them anymore because it has already passes, so I don't want to go through the trouble of typing out every detail that happened.

Perhaps lately everything that I've been experiencing I'd like to keep to myself. I will say that it has been a very long time where I have felt I have been accepted by people. They don't shun me because I speak poor Chinese. They want me to go with them places. Most of the time when I meet people it feels like bird meets fish, and bird flies away leaving fish all by itself. However with these girls, it's not that way. Too bad the Taiwanese girl is going back in December, but it seems the girl from China is going to be staying for a while, so hopefully we'll be able to do a lot of things together. Even if we don't, I think I will cherish the time right now.

Life isn't all that bad at the moment. There is still a lot to be done and still some worries, but I'm going to take it as it comes with less anxiety. Though, not in a hakuna mata way. (Sorry, Lion King XD)

Doubts

Some days it's hard to tell myself to keep going and keep working towards becoming a translator. I keep on thinking that I don't think I'll be able to do it because I do poorly on my tests. I'm not able retain what I've learned. I've hit a huge wall yet again in my life. It scares me to know that there's so much uncertainty in the next 6 months. I want to give up, yet at the same time I don't want to give up. Maybe if I did better in class that I'll feel better about myself. I really hate this feeling of uncertainty. It sucks.

Clothes and nails

Quickly posting this up. Can't wait to wear these new clothes, but seeing that it's still really hot, I won't be able to wear them for a while. When I was buying the dress from Apuweiser-riche, another girl was buying the exact same dress. Seems like it was really popular

From L'est Rose

bolero from Apuweiser-riche

Dress from Apuweiser-riche

And, in honor of my first concert, I painted clouds onto my nails. Such a pain, but I had a lot of fun trying to be creative with my nails.

Shopping

Umm, yeah... I thought I wouldn't buy anything when I was walking around, but I found two really nice dresses. One is from my favorite store L'est Rose while the other one is from Apuweiser-riche. Both of them look really stunning on me. The one from Apuweiser-riche I totally fell in love with, and I can't wait to wear it when it gets cooler! Pics will be up later when I get the chance.

24hr tv drama

I always become depressed after watching medical dramas. The one for 24hr tv is always especially difficult to watch. Throughout the years, I7ve always wondered what my brothers and Dad thought when I was sick. Were they worried? Did they cry? Did it affect their studies? I rarely talked to them through this period. When I saw them, my illness was never discussed very much, so I never really knew what they felt.

Anyway, going to sleep on this, and hopefully feel better when the sun rises.

In Over my Head?

I just realized that I need to write a thesis outline for getting into grad school. I think I'm screwed... I have no idea what I want to research, especially in economics...

New blog title

I decided to change the title of my blog because it didn't reflect what I was primarily writing. I hope this title will better fit what I write from time to time.

In other news, I hit a concert ticket, which I am completely excited about. It seems it was impossible to hit for tickets this year. I feel really luck to have hit since there are about over 800,000 people in the fanclub. In the week before it was the cutoff for entering the club to be able to ballot for tickets, it seems the fandom grew from about 600,000 people to over 800,000 in that time period. It virtually seems impossible to hit anything anymore. I have no idea where my seat is at the moment, but hopefully it'll be good enough to see everything.

Anyway, that was my little adventure for the day...

Randomness

I just got a call from my school saying that I made it to the morning class!! I'm quite excited as there will be electives that I chose last quarter. Yay!!!

On another note, I now can twit from my phone! Thank you EZweb.... anyway, if you want to check it out, here it is => click here~

Cell phone drama

Seriously... I spent an hour trying to figure out my new phone plan because the people at the Meguro shop didn't care about what plan I wanted and also probably was trying to get money out of me by trying to get me to sign up with a new plan.

Today I went into Bic Camera because I was looking at my charges and seeing that I was using the EZweb a lot, I was afraid that I would rack up a huge bill that would absolutely shock my mom if she got the bill. I originally thought the plan I had was a SS simple plan that was for 980 every month that included 25min free calling. I didn't have the EZweb plan because I thought that I wouldn't use it that often, but seeing how many packets I had used already, I was hoping that I could tack on the EZweb plan so that I didn't rack up a bill of over 100USD.

Also, I really wanted to change to a new phone because my phone is two years old, and I found a pretty nice phone that would probably last me for the next coming years because I like it that much. Well, the Meguro shop said that I couldn't change to a new phone without signing up for a new plan or I think going for the more expensive plan. So, I just opted to keep the free phone because I didn't want to sign up for a whole new plan and have all these added on charges; however, something still didn't quite sit well with me because I had a feeling that I should have been able to upgrade my phone without changing the existing plan.

Well, turns out that I was completely right and the Meguro shop completely screwed me over. Not only was I able to get an upgrade, they completely screwed up my new phone plan. My new phone plan is an E simple plan that is mainly for EZweb users which was totally what I didn't want. What I wanted was the SS simple plan. What's even worse was that the employee didn't even print out my new plan and have me sign off that I have a new plan. So now for this month, I'm completely stuck with this E simple plan. I guess I don't really mind because I don't use the phone that often, but I'm just completely pissed off at the fact that the Meguro shop completely screwed me over for telling me that I couldn't upgrade my phone without added charges as well as signing me up for the wrong plan. Yes, I am completely pissed off... I need to go back to some au shop to get this whole thing straightened out once and for all...

On a side note, I know I didn't pass my JLPT test... oh well. Just keep chugging along...

EDIT: After looking carefully at my phone application, I finally see that the Meguro shop did put E simple plan, but the thing is so friggin small that it didn't hit me that he put down the wrong plan... *sigh* friggin idiots...

Final Good-bye

Dear Grandma,

Today you will be finally placed in your final resting place. I'm not going to lie that it's been hard dealing with you being gone. I'm glad that we could skype when we could. I loved seeing your face light up when you saw mine. It was like you turned back into a kid. I loved seeing the hat you wore during this past winter. When I get the chance, I will go visit you as well as Grandpa and little grandma.

Today at the temple, I bought a charm with two little Japanese sandals to remind me to keep on walking forward. I'm glad I was able to visit you as much as I could while you were still healthy. I know it'll be difficult at first, but I will keep on moving forward. I miss you so much.

Love,
Your grand-daughter

Pride

Step shuffle shuffle step shuffle shuffle. This was the sound my grandma would make. For every one step I took, she'd take two. Though it was slow and slothy walk, she'd happily shuffle beside me. If we were at the mall, and there was a resting area, I'd tell my grandma to sit down. She'd slowly start crouching down, and then with a small plop, she'd finally be sitting. Then she gives a big sigh as if she had crossed a great ocean to get to this point.

My grandma was a proud woman, and by proud, I mean that she refused to use a cane until the ripe age of 93. She didn't like having aid to help her life become easier. I'll always wonder if this was because she thought it would impede her from being independent or she thought she didn't need it at all. Nonetheless, she loved the freedom of being able to walk no matter how slow it was.

My grandma also didn't have a hearing aid until the last few years. Everyone had to kind of yell so that she could hear. What was interesting was that in her apartment, she'd stand in front of a small TV and just stare at it. She couldn't hear what was coming out of the TV, but it was interesting to see her intently staring at the small screen trying to make out what was going on because she wouldn't move a inch. Her eye sight wasn't very good either, so I kind of wondered if she knew what the TV was playing. But, when she got her hearing aids, she commented, "I didn't know it was this loud around me."

Grandma, I have a feeling that when I get that old, that I'll be that stubborn about walking and hearing aids. When I get to age, I wonder how long it will take me to realize that I should use these things to make my life easier...

Smiles

I feel a little better today, but not completely 100% yet. I went to go eat at my favorite restaurant to just slow down and remember my grandma (I ended up getting an omiyage [some special cake] from the restaurant. Not sure why, but it seems that I go there regularly enough...). I think a lot of posts from here on out will be about my grandma as I remember her from what memories I have.

I think the biggest memory of all that I have is when I was sick and she came to LA. It's probably not the greatest memory in my head, but it's something that will always be in my mind. Never did I once see a worried face from her, even though I knew that she was worried about my health. I still remember that I didn't want her to see me suffer like that. It was really hard to hide it because at the time I could barely eat anything. I still remember. I ate about half a bowl of rice and sorbet. The sorbet was something quite special, and I think at that point I kind of lit up. When she saw that smile on my face, she smiled brightly as well.

My grandmother couldn't always smile that well due to her old age, but I could feel her happiness. Even until the last day, when I just only saw her on skype, she was just delighted to see me. Her first comment would always be, "You're so pretty." Whenever she'd greet me at the airport, I'd always give her a big hug, but afterwords, she'd always have to gaze at me for a moment. That gaze always makes me feel like she's telling me "My how big you've grown." She might have said it outright, but I could never understand Cantonese. I wish I learned it, but there never was a chance. Even though we couldn't talk to each other, without words, I feel as if I knew what she was saying.

One of the biggest smiles I remember from my grandma was when she gave me this pink puffy vest. I still remember that the vest was stuffed into this black bag, and when she pulled it out, the whole thing, it kind of just sprang out because it was stuffed so tightly. She was just beaming with joy when she held it out to me, as if she was a little kid. She was so proud at what she had picked up herself even though everyone was saying that it was just a sale item for like 10 Canadian dollars. I can never forget that face. I will keep that vest with me forever.

Grandma, I know you're looking down on all of us with that bright beautiful smile. I know I'll never be able to see it again, but certainly, I can feel it around me.

I love you, Grandma

Dear Grandma,

I never really properly said good bye to you. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to be there with you until the very end, but know that I was always thinking about you until the very end. I'm glad you didn't suffer when you left, and that you were surrounded by loved ones. I'm glad we had a lot of memories together. Living until 94 is a long life. You lived long enough to see your great grand kids. I'm really happy you were able to live a long fruitful life. Don't worry. I'm not sad anymore. I'm glad you were here in this world. You were one strong woman.

I love you.

Love,
Rina

flowers part 2

Had no idea what I was doing, but oh well. LOL. Enjoy.

flowers

Before the roses die... here are pictures of my first flower bouquet I threw together myself. It's kind of hot here, so not surprised that the roses are kind of starting to die.

Things

I often wonder what I should write in a blog. I feel that if I speak my mind, I sound like I'm whining. I think that's why lately I haven't been in the mood the blog even when I'm so depressed. I'm trying very hard to move forward with life, but for me, it's always a tough battle. I think it'll forever be a tough battle.

In other news, I signed up for flower arranging. I'm quite excited about it. The first class is the 21st. I can't wait to go~.

Quick post...

Just posting before I go to the gym. Well, I've worried a lot of people. It's tough being alone at times. I sometimes hate it, but I'm starting to find activities like flower arranging. I can't wait to to go to the first lesson. I'm going to try out Tai Chi. Hopefully I'll be able to actually move in Tai Chi. Seems kind of scary. Oh well. Doesn't hurt to try once.

In other news, I want to buy a Wii. There's a new Mario Galaxy coming out that looks really awesome.  Wish I had a Wii. Actually, I really want to play the new Super Mario Brothers for Wii as well. Oh well, I guess it'll have to wait.

Another new blog...

I opened up a new blog strictly in Japanese for writing everyday Japanese. Love the emoticons! I think that's partially why I opened up a Japanese one... lol. I think I'll write about everyday Japanese life there because it's an easier topic to write about than here. I guess this blog will be another punching bag for me. Originally I wanted to write more about my troubles learning Japanese, but I guess it has become more of an emotional outlet because the important people in my life read this, and I can't always talk to them, so I write here. Though, I guess I will start to write more again. It's taken me a while to get emotionally stable enough to write again. So many times I wanted to just lash out on life, but I held it in. Hopefully from here on out, I will be able to write about the happier things in life.

Anyway, for those interested... my new blog in complete Japanese!

Being Alone

I'm trying to get the courage to actually post something, but I don't want to come off as being whiny or ungrateful in life. I am lucky to be alive, but there are some of those time where I feel completely defeated in life when it comes to making friends. It just makes me feel so alone in this world, and it doesn't help that it's a very long holiday in Japan. I basically had nothing to do for 5 straight days, and that's painful. All I did was study, shop, and feel depressed after not being able to make a single friend in the course of six months. I actually got a ton of studying done, and did a lot of shopping. Spent a lot of money, but I seem to be getting out of this depression as I am coming back to terms with my life and acknowledging that my life will be alone whether it'd be here in Japan or back in the US. Sometimes it's hard coping especially when I feel rejected, and it brings back a lot of hard feelings from the past. I think I'll feel this way for the rest of my life, but I think the real challenge is how I cope with these feelings and move on.

On a side note, I was walking through Ginza (of course Ginza because that's my favorite place to be! Just kidding...) and I passed by this flower shop school. I picked up a pamphlet, and at the main branch, they offer courses for learning how to flower arrange, and also become a professional. I'm quite interested, so I might sign up to see how it turns out. Hopefully it'll be good.

Spring Break

I think spring break is really too long. I don't have much motivation to do any studying, even though I really should be. However, I have a high motivation to work out. I think I feel guilty from pigging out on all this good food, that I feel that I really need to move around or else I feel like I can't eat all this good food. Well, there's another motivation, which is spring is here, and I really want to look good in my spring clothes that I'm starting to buy. I just blew through a bunch of money in 2 days... let's see... I bought 2 pieces of clothes, 2 movies that were half off (Well, one of the movies was supposed to be original price, but since the sticker for half off was still on it, I was able to get it for half off), a new DS game (New Mario Brothers), and a nice dinner (about 100USD). Yeah... I can see the money just flitter off... Must get some motivation to save money now. Actually, a nice job is what I really need.

Anyway, lately I think I feel better, which I think is due to working out. I think I got kind of bored, and wasn't sure what to do with my time. Now working out takes up some time in the morning. I went swimming today, which makes me feel really good even though I know I'll be really sore. Actually, I was already sore yesterday in the abs from doing crunches. Now I'm even sorer because of swimming, but it feels really good to workout. Great stress reliever. Feel great. Life is good... perhaps a little too good... Must now get the motivation to study. Yes... study... maybe not... lol.

No Internet

I'm without internet until the 14th next month, so I will be checking stuff at an internet cafe. If it's an emergency, please call my cell phone.

Ordering furniture...

I ordered my bed and desk. My desk will come will come on the 29th this month, but since the bed is quite popular... it won't come until April 24th... Oh well. I tried out my futon on the floor, so it should be fine. My futon is pretty thick considering it's pretty cheap.

I kind of wanted to pay by credit card. Actually, I got kind of scared when I got emails back when I didn't order yet. So, when I thought I got the emails, I thought the order went through when it really didn't. While I was waiting for a representative, the emails said that I inputted my credit card, so I was kind of relieved. Anyway, I decided to order by phone then since I was calling. I was really nervous talking to the representative, but she spoke slowly so I was able to order what I wanted. I tried asking about paying by credit card, but since the Japanese credit cards are different than the American ones, I couldn't. Well, I got practice talking in Japanese, which is a good thing. I'll just have to pay by cash when the stuff comes. I'll have to assemble the desk myself, but that's okay because there isn't much to assemble. It's the bed that's more troublesome, so I'm paying 6000\ to have that assembled so that I don't have to do that by myself. I'll have to think of other furniture to make my place nicer, but first these basics are essential. Everything else can come later.

Anyway, I'm excited. Plus, I practiced Japanese, so I'm happy. All a good days work. Now... to start packing.... >.>;

Taking a break from blogging

I'm completely consumed in moving, that I won't have much time to blog for the time being. I'll be sure to get pictures up after I move.

I'm moving!!!

After this huge ordeal, I can officially say I'm moving. All I need to do is sign the contract this Saturday, and I'm all set to move to my new place! Well, I still need to pack, but I have a home!!! I need to buy furniture and some other miscellaneous stuff, but that can wait. I think the most important thing is buying a nice bed and desk. The other stuff I can buy later. There's a lot to do, but it's all worth it.

Anyway... I have to calculate how much more money I need to spend. I just paid a huge chunk of money, so I need to figure out how much I need for furniture and for extra curricular activities. I think with the current money I have, I'll only last another 2 months. We'll see. I do want to sign up for a newspaper subscription because I have been glued literally to the newspaper for the past 2 months. Well, I like doing the puzzles too, but I make sure that I read about every current event in Asia and in the US (excluding what happens in Middle East). I'll have to ask my mom if it's okay to subscribe. Hopefully it'll be okay.

Anyway, off to bed. I should really start going to bed earlier...

I found it...

I found the apartment I want to live in. I seemed to have somewhat convinced my dad at how great this apartment is. I didn't focus on kitchen, but focused on the bathroom. The Meguro Princess bathroom was really just very uncomfortable. The sink was chipped, and when I opened the toilet, the bottom was brown. Actually, the bathroom was starting to slightly rust, which made even more unbearable Even though I can be a little messy in the bathroom, I at least keep it pretty tidy. Which reminds me, I have a lot of house cleaning to do tomorrow. I'm probably not going anywhere tomorrow except cleaning my house. It's been dirty too long, and I have a lot of laundry to do. I've been so busy that I haven't had time to properly take care of my house. Tomorrow is definitely house cleaning day no matter how bad my back hurts right now. It's got to be done, and I will probably feel loads better after cleaning. (Sorry for the tangent)

As for the other apartment, the bathroom is so clean, it feels like it was just recently renovated. Also, there's a nice kitchen, a space to put the washer and fridge. Actually, the washer has a sliding door to hide the washer. The shoe closet is nice, though I need to figure out where to put my boots because there isn't space to put boots, but I'll find someplace. The closet it absolutely something I will advocate. Lots of space, and there's space to put my suitcase and the extra comforter I have on the floor or top of the closet. Overall, it's really a nice place, and the base price for it is 85000 yen (without management fee. With management fee, it's 91000). Seriously, it doesn't get better than that. For a mansion type like this one, they easily start from 95000-100000, and adding on the management fee hikes the price. Both the agent and I were so surprised that we immediately filled out the application form. I don't care if I have to walk 6 min. That's so much better than 15 min. Actually, for this apartment, I have to pay 2 months deposit and 2 months thank you money. I figured if I stayed there for the entire two years, it's 7000 yen a month extra, so I guess technically this place costs 98000, which is much cheaper than the one I found in either Mita or Shirokane (126000 yen per month with no thank you money).

Omg, if I am able to stay in this place, I will be so happy. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, though, because it still has to be approved by big honcho who will be coming Mon with two other people. The area is already approved, so all that needs approving is the apartment. I can't wait until Mon. I really want them to see this place.

Meguro Princess Apartments

I was taken to see this particular apartment in Meguro. It's a women only apartment building, but I'm having doubts to whether I can live there. Though the layout is okay and it has a double balcony and comes with a washer and dryer, the kitchen is what is keeping me from wanting to stay there. The setup is like my current kitchen, which is a mini kitchen with a mini fridge. I really want to stay away from this type of kitchen, but it seems that my dad's work friends have already made up their minds that I should live there. I seriously am not sold on living there I think because of the kitchen. I really don't want to buy another fridge and use more power. Also, because there are two balconies, I don't have much room for a desk to study. Though, I think sitting on the floor will be okay if I have a low desk because I don't think I'll be home that often. Well, I do want to spend my evenings at home because I want to cook.

I can already see the outcome that even if I find a better apartment, that I'm going to be staying in this apartment. It's not helping that they're going to take my dad to see the place because I know that my dad will listen to his friends and not me. Seriously, I'm the one that's going to be living in the apartment. I want to be able to make this decision. I wish this situation wasn't so complicated. Now, there are 2 more people involved than what I'd like. I'm really trying to make the best out of this situation... but it's really hard to see how to make the best out of it.

Placement Test

I was really surprised to get the results of my placement test score. I told myself yesterday, that if I got at least 50 points, I would be really happy because lately, I haven't been able to study anything. It's been really tough because of house hunting, and having my dad here certainly made my studying worse. Despite leaving most of the test blank especially the last reading passage, I managed to 95/200. The class average was 88.5. Last time was 89/200, and the class average was 87.9. I'm still not sure if I'm improving. Actually, this time around, I was answering to the best of my ability, while last time there were a lot of random guessing and filling in answers in hopes of boosting my score. Oh well, I really don't care where I get placed anymore, just as long as I am trying my best to improve and keep going no matter what happens.

Moving Forward

I do not want to blog the big ordeal that happened when my dad came. For now, I am finding a cheaper apartment. I am not disappointed with find a cheaper apartment, just as long as I get what I need, which is a bathroom and a nice kitchen so that I can cook. Also, a fridge is good too. It's already March, and time is running fast. I only have about 2 weeks before I need to move. I'm pretty excited, but at the same time, I don't know if I'll be able to find a good place in a short amount of time. 3 weeks isn't long. If I don't find quite a good place this time around, I can always move. Thankfully these two year contracts, you can cancel if you send in a one month notice. I'm looking forward to looking at apartments again this Fri.

Shirokane

I now understand why Shirokane is one of the most sought after places to live. HERE

1. There isn't a pachinko in sight.
2. Easy access to the station.
3. Little shops around and near Meguro

I found a place in Shirokane-dai... I found a really nice place in this area. It's 2 min from station. It has a roof balcony, huge room, lots of closet space, nice kitchen, and nice bathroom. On paper, the price is within 150 thousand yen, but I calculated it out on paper to USD, and I'm approximately 400USD over the lowest budget max budgetmy mom said. Though, I'm only over 100USD for the max budget... lol. I really don't think momsies or popsies will let me stay there, but I decided to hold it just in case. It's in a really nice area, and I'm just going to try to push my luck. (I really hate the value of the dollar at the moment. I wish it would just rise... but it still won't really help because I think I'm over budget no matter how it's looked at.)

Anyway, the other place in Mita isn't bad at all, though it is in a small street, so the area feels a little more cramped walking around before hitting the station. HERE I think that's how it is with all the JR stations. The nicer housing is in more cramped streets. I think the one in Mita will probably get chosen over the one in Shirokane just because of price. However, the more I think about it, the more I want to live in the Shirokane one... *sigh* I'll just keep dreaming then. I calculated out the budget for the one in Mita, and it came out to be around 1300 USD. It's in price range, so probably this one will get chosen, though, I kind of hope maybe by some miracle my parents will let me stay in the other one. I'll just sit here and dream...

House Hunting... ROUND 2 *DING*

But first let me get this out of my system... I HATE WINTER I HATE WINTER I HATE WINTER.

Now onto what happened in house hunting. I went to see three apartments. The first one I went to was in Azubu-juban. The building was brand new, so it was pretty nice. However, what made me cringe was that it was facing a really old building, and street and building was kind of splotched with stains. I felt really uncomfortable. I don't think I can live in a place where the street next to me looks a bit haunted.

The second apartment I went to was... well, I don't really know what the person before did to it, and I wonder why the management hadn't fixed it before letting other people look at it. Basically, there was dirt everywhere. The walls were kind of torn, and there was a huge hole in the door that was between the main room and the kitchen. What also was scary was that outside there was a apartment door that was dented and rusting umbrellas. Even though you can see Tokyo Tower from this apartment, that's not enough to get me to stay in that apartment. God that place gave me the creeps.

The third apartment I believe is by the same management, but a newer building. It felt pretty nice except for an older looking house that it was facing, but other than that, it seemed like a pretty good place. The room was a little more spacious than the other rooms I previously visited. Overall, I can see myself living here. I'm going to try to apply for this one while I look at other places.

Anyway, I feel okay to live in Mita. It's a little busier than most other places because it's slightly more business district, but there are housing mixed in. There are a lot of people walking around in the area. The supermarket is near the station, which is about 6 min. That isn't bad especially in the city.

Other than it being that time of the month, I'm feeling much better. It's time for me to get studying again~.

Please... Grow up, me...

Just when I thought I grew up a little, I have to do something childish and stupid. Even though it was directed towards family members, it was unacceptable. I have put people in a difficult position, and that is inexcusable. I was much angrier than I thought I was, and should have stepped back to think a moment to look at the whole situation. I only have myself to blame for what I have done. I am very fortunate that I have such forgiving family members, and they understand the situation that I am in currently. I certainly have learned from this experience, and hope next time I act in a more mature fashion when I am stressed out.

I sent my apologies to my very kind cousin who has done so much for me. To those I have hurt in the past few days, I am very sorry. Thanks for supporting me in such a difficult time. I will keep moving forward, and hope I can make better choices in the future.

Stay Calm...

This housing situation is getting me quite stressed. I guess it's going to get a lot harder if I need 2 people to make this work... which makes me wish I was actually working. This seems impossible. Well, the good thing is that my cousin is willing to become my guarantor. However it is the problem of finding housing that doesn't require two people. I think I'm better off getting into an international house, but I guess I'll try doing this until I have no other options. Just keep going...

Cousin Hiro

It felt really embarrassing, but I finally got the courage to call my Cousin Hiro who lives in Okayama. Usually I don't enlist any help unless needed, but he seemed really concerned when he emailed me. It has been about 18 years since I last saw him. I was only 5 or 6 when I came to Japan to visit him and his family, so memories of him are quite vague. I was quite scared to call him actually. At first he said, "What would you like me to do," which was kind of hard to answer. I tried beating around the bush asking maybe if he could make a contract for me since I'm a student. Then he said that he wanted to talk to the agency because he thought for a moment that the agency I went to was sketchy, which made me start to worry that I was getting myself into real big trouble talking to the agency by myself. I explained that other students from my school went to this agency, so I guess he felt a little better. I went on to say that maybe it would be better to stay at an international house if it doesn't work out. Then he asked how long I was staying for, and I replied that I was going to be at this school for another year, and afterward I plan to find a job. At this point, he answered, "We have to find good housing then." I nearly died at this point from being so nervous. Hearing those words, I knew he understood that I wasn't going to be here short term. I actually confessed to him that I was very scared to talked to him, and he was very nice about it.

I'm kind of glad that I talked with my cousin because he will help me find good housing and maybe sign a contract for me. He told me not to panic as he'll work something out, but I can't help but feel indebted to him for helping now. I guess in a way he's repaying my parents for taking care of him when he was in the US. Though, all I hear from my mom was that he was the biggest pain in the butt. At the time, my mom had to take care of three kids, and then this 20 year old who couldn't be found. Also, he got into an accident with my parents car, and had to go to court even though it wasn't his fault. My mom actually had to teach him to explain how the accident wasn't his fault. Luckily he got off the hook, but he really did give my mom a huge headache.

Anyway, if he somehow gets housing for me, I will feel very indebted to him. Although he is family, there still is that kind of distance between us. I hope at some point I can go visit him and his family. He has a 2 and a half year old daughter, and his wife is Taiwanese. I will have to repay him with a very nice gift. Ok, sleep time as I have to wake up early to go to the agency.

Housing pt 2

http://chintai.homes.co.jp/kanto/tokyo/rosen/nanboku/eki/9214/list/rentdetail-1069170006896/?tk=3&btg=3002&roseneki=58509214

This is the apartment that I'm going to apply for while I look for other apartments. It's kind of small. Basically I put a single bed and a desk, and it like takes up most of the room. It feels like my single room in college, but with better flooring. I don't mind the room being small. The kitchen is separated which is nice. I get to put a fridge and have a washing machine. Though, the washing machine I'm going to have to buy myself. Should be interesting looking for one as I know nothing about washing machines... The other housing I looked at wasn't very good. One room had one wall that was virtually useless, so I didn't like that. Another room had exactly the right layout I was going for, but the room was on the second floor, which was basically street level. Not really disappointed yet at what I'm seeing. I think the one I'm applying for right now I can see myself living in. I'm going again tomorrow to see if he pulled any more housing.

My dad asks every so often why I want to move out of the current apartment. He also asks why I don't want to move into an international house. I keep telling him the same answer. First, the current apartment I live in, there are new people going to be living. I'm not sure how comfortable with the very very close proximity to people. Second, the walls are thin. You can hear everything going up and going down. Well, even though I can't really hear anything on the 8th floor, there still is sound traveling. Third, this furniture and layout is driving me nuts. No storage. No place to put anything. It's really annoying. Can't store underneath the bed. The small cabinet in the kitchen is practically a dud because nothing will fit in there. Plus, I really want a fridge so that I can freeze things. I'd love to be able to cook soup one of these days and freeze it so that I can use it some time later. I'd also like to make my own wontons and dumplings. Also, I feel that not having my own washer is a big pain too. There are some days where I do tend to leak a lot, so I want to kind of wash it right away, but can't because if I do, it would be 600yen for such a small load. So, I have to wait until the next washing which isn't for weeks. So yeah. I know I shouldn't be complaining, but if you forced me to live here for an entire year, I'd drive myself nuts, not to mention whoever moves in next would drive me nuts with their sound banging around constantly. I'm really trying not to be messy, but nothing is compelling me to clean up... and that's what's driving me nuts.

I think I already know what kind of bed I'm going to be getting. I checked online and found a bed that had drawers underneath. Not only that, you can store stuff inside the bed. That way I can get rid of the stupid suitcase sitting in the middle of my room. I can probably store my pads in there as well, and take out whatever I need whenever I need it. There's ample of closet space to hang clothes. The kitchen has cabinets to put my stuff in there, though I need a stool for the top cabinet because I can't reach the top. I'll have a nice fridge, well, probably used from someone in the dorm, but it'll be good enough. Then I'll have my washer as well. Everything will be complete~. Oh, and the walls are concrete, so you can barely hear a thing.

Housing

I went to a housing agency today. I went by myself because I wanted to start looking right away. I have an appointment on Sat to look at 3 apartments. Hopefully one of them will let me live there. The area I picked was Shirokane-takanawa. Uhh, it's slightly a ritzy place to be. However, the agent said it's a safe area to live, because I really stressed that when I was talking to the agent, and he assured me that it was a safe area to live. It's an area really popular among girls it seems. I'm going to look at 3 apartments on Sat. Each one is about 10万. Fortunately at this price range, there are a lot of 1 room with kitchen and separated bathroom all throughout Tokyo, so it was really hard to choose an area to live.

It seems like I will be living around the southern part of Tokyo. I think that's where the better housing is, and it's pretty close to school. I did pretty well today considering I have broken Japanese. Though, I felt completely bad for the guy that was helping me because I took an hour to decide where I wanted to live. Then took another hour to decide which apartments I wanted to look at. By the time I was finished it was about 30-45min after their closing time. The guy was really nice and knew that I was really concerned about finding a good place to live. I asked a lot of questions about what areas were good. Though, I think within these two months, I have to visit a lot more places to get a feel for what areas might be good for housing.

I can't say I feel optimistic at this point about finding a good place to live. I still need to wait and see if the landlord is going to let me stay at their apartment since I'm a foreigner, but I'm happy to get this ball rolling.

I'm going to hop into bed as it has turned very very cold tonight. It actually started to snow when I was going back home. The snow isn't lasting very long on the ground, but it is snowing. It's actually kind of cool. XD

Scaredy-cat

I feel like I'm such a scaredy-cat when it comes to friendship. I've been hurt so many times that I don't want to hurt others. I think also is that if I say something slightly the truth, they'll run away from me. I haven't been very strong when it comes to other people. Though, I'm happy to have my best friend with me through thick an thin. I just hope I can meet more people through the years of my life. I've already accepted the fact that for probably the rest of my life, I'll be living alone. Actually, it was pretty difficult accepting this fact, but I have learned to cope with it. I just need to keep moving forward.

Tsukemen!

I met up with my dad's friend's daughter today in Shinjuku. She took me to a great tsukemen place. I loved it. There were so many people lined up for the shop after we left. I think the people in the shop wanted to hurry up and eat because the seat next to us, two people had finished. Not only did they finish before us, they ate twice as much as us. At first I thought I wasn't going to be able to finish, but I did finish it and it was very satisfying~.

Anyway, I'm going to go off in a tangent because it's been sitting in my mind for a bit. Actually, it was a question I asked the friend I met today that I couldn't really answer myself. I asked if she had any intention of going back to the states. I keep wondering why I have no intention to go back to the states. I guess for me, I never really had anyone very close to me. Through high school, I never had a best friend. Nobody invited me to their house. Nobody invited me to the movies. I tried a few times to try to invite people to do things, but later on gave up because they said they were pretty busy or couldn't go because of parents. Perhaps I just relied too much on one person to be a best friend, but we never really became best friends. We each had different interests, and in the end, it never really worked out. Now that I think about it, I really wanted to have a best friend in elementary school into high school. Even when I started college, I thought I would be able to at least find someone who I could hang out. It just turned out the same story as in high school. I became forgettable. People made excuses saying that they didn't know if I was there or not. I'd see my entire floor eating together by the time to I got to the dining hall. I'd always end up eating by myself in the dining hall. I never really understood why people have never really liked me. I think I'm the type of person that people view as "no fun." I feel like I've been rejected by people all my life just because I'm boring or the stuff I'm interested in wasn't someone else's type of fun. Perhaps I am more complicated than people want to handle. I'll never really exactly know the truth.

For the past two years, I've learned to live a life away from family as well as a life without many friends. I knew that if I didn't learn fast how to cope with being alone in my life, I'd soon kill myself. The depression I experienced in college, I don't want to go back to that. I think for me, living in a big city is one way I cope with loneliness. If there are things to see, good food to eat, I can forget that I'm alone in this world. If I go back to the states, where would I go? No one is waiting for me to come home except my mother, but even then, I feel that when she retires, she has no intention of staying in America. Actually, my brother and I encourage her to go back to Hong Kong because having nothing to do in my hometown would definitely drive her insane. At least right now she has a job, so it isn't all that bad at the moment. I really don't think I can readjust to life in the states seeing how exciting life in Japan is. When I get the chance, I want to travel all around Japan. I know if I do go back to the states, it's not like I can't make friends. However, I think what hurts the most is that people's feelings in America aren't transparent. I don't know what worse: not telling a person they hate you or telling a person they hate you. At times I'd rather not know especially being told to stop being a friend in junior high. I know it happened years ago, but stuff like that sticks. You can't forget about it. I know people in Japan are know for putting up a front. I guess I can relate to that because I put up a front a lot of times. Though, I always try to be genuine with people while putting a front. Hmm, hard to explain.

Anyway, I have a lot to think about when my school ends next year in March. Though, I think it is almost certain that I am going to stay in Japan for as long as I can. Maybe I'll find some good friends here. I guess only time will tell.

Hitsumabushi!

The days are seriously getting harder to sit in class as I'm in a class that has mostly guys. Actually, I feel like I'm in a class of delinquents this time around. Hopefully I'll be able to get through these three months. Well, more like one and a half months. March isn't that far off. Lately, I've been studying at cafes so that I can study properly and move up faster. I guess I really want to move up into the morning classes so that I don't feel as stuck in the lower classes. Oh well. Study study study is all that I can really do at this point.

Ok, onto what I ate today. Well, it's really not all that exciting, but I ate Hitsumabushi. It's baked eel that you eat with rice and soup. It originates from Nagoya. I actually really enjoyed it, as I usually just have baked eel and rice, so this was something quite different. The sauce was quite thick and extremely flavorful that the soup added in made the flavoring just right. Quite yummy~.

Oh, and another interesting thing I ate was miso ramen, but it wasn't any miso ramen. This particular store, they're miso ramen was made with sesame oil and black sesame. I thought it was unique in flavor. I'll probably go back to these places again as they're one of a kind type of restaurants. I hope to find more interesting restaurants as time goes on. Ginza has so many interesting restaurants. I should probably stop hanging around there all the time though...

Anyway, time for bed. Housing stuff should be getting under way next week. Kind of excited. Kind of stressed. Hopefully there will be something good.

Long update...

Sorry for not keeping updated. I guess whenever I feel the need to write is when I'm completely stressed out, and this would be the time. But first, let me start on a good note saying that I had a wonderful time over the new year with my mom and bro. Didn't want to blog about that because they are the ones that mainly read this blog, so I didn't want to do any recaps. So, on with the whole slew of events that are going to happen...

• Bank

Finally the money was transferred. I can now pay my rent. Stupid idiots from Bank of America. I just wanted to kill them this entire month.

• Japanese

New quarter means new class which means new people. Out of 17 people in the class, 4 are girls. To be honest, I'm in complete guy phobia again. I don't know why. I think it's because one of the guys acts like he likes me who is from Thailand. I have a feeling that he might actually like me, or at least have some interest in me. Oh, even worse, he knows Chinese. He tried talking to me in Chinese which I flatly answered him back in Japanese. Actually, I should have acted dumb and made it look like I didn't know any Chinese at all.

• Chinese

I guess the above point brings me to my next point which is Chinese. Somehow I have become to loathe the sound of Chinese. I can't deal with people speaking Chinese. I think the biggest reason is because I don't want people to know that I can speak Chinese. I don't want people to ridicule me for speaking poor Chinese. I get enough crap from people in Taiwan saying my Chinese is complete crap. I don't want more people to look down upon me. Actually, I think I will be looked down upon my entire life. One, because I am Chinese in Japan. Two, I speak English. Anyway, if anyone wants to bring me crap, bring it. Now, I just have to make sure that my Japanese is fluent. Yes, this is a great motivator. Perhaps this is why I spend countless hours in cafes studying.

• Apartment

I guess I really shouldn't be in shock that the apartment is closing, but it does kind of hit that I do need to move, and within a short amount of time. Turns out that while talking with the caretakers, they mentioned that the current school that owns this apartment complex is closing it down in April. This gives me approximately 2 months to find a decent looking place and find furniture to go with it. I kind of feel like I'm drowning at this point. Oh, and the biggest thing is that I need to find a guarantor in order to make this whole thing work. I'm not even sure where I can get a guarantor as it is a big financial responsibility to be a guarantor. I think I might actually faint at this point because as I can see it, this situation seems impossible. I'm only a student. Perhaps if I were working this would be a different story, but I don't think that many places are going to even want to house a student. Ugh, I feel the more I type, the uglier the story is going to get as these two months pan out into some horrifying experience in finding housing in Japan. God, I think I'm just going to go cry in bed at this point.

Thank you period for making me an emotional wreck at this point. Just great, the worst timing in history. *sigh*