Renewal

I think it's time that I begin to write again. My lack of updates isn't from being busy, it's because I lack the compassion to write. I could end up writing little dilly dally everyday things that happen within my life, but I will end up thinking that what I am writing  has become so superficial that writing becomes meaningless.  I find that writing should come from the heart, and that when writing comes from the heart that one's most intimate feelings are revealed. Perhaps I think a little too deeply for my own good, but it's not everyday that I get a chance to write, so I'd like to make every word count in the time that I write. Oh, and please excuse any errors I make while writing because of this tablet keyboard...

In the recent months, I have started writing Japanese calligraphy. I somehow find writing to be very rewarding despite its challenges. I always find myself to be ovecritical of what I write, which I will try to change this negativeness, but with it comes a satisfaction that I rarely find within myself. Actually, it's almost the same feeling that I get when I play music. It's that fleeting satisfaction when I know I have put in my all into writing calligraphy. It's not something that can be done half assed. Until the very end, I need to follow through until the completion. I find that in music it's the same concept, which is probably why I can connect with calligraphy. I can actually feel that my writing comes deep within me. Actually, I wonder why I don't find this kind of satisfaction when I arrange flowers. Perhaps there just isn't that connection that I feel with writing. Flower arranging is really a beautiful art, but flowers only last so long before they wither. Pehaps it's the progress within that I always search for. With calligraphy, this will always stay just like how music will always stay, but with flowers, it always feels so short lived. It's such a waste to go full force to arrange the flowers only to see them wither and all the hard work gone. There's no real progress to be seen, just an art.

I can see that this type of thinking is going to get me into trouble in life... Forever searching deep within thyself for that happiness that I don't think I have, but I actually do. When I don't feel I have happiness, I get depressed. I'm a walking roller coaster. Will I ever one day be satisfied with myself...