Tsukemen!

I met up with my dad's friend's daughter today in Shinjuku. She took me to a great tsukemen place. I loved it. There were so many people lined up for the shop after we left. I think the people in the shop wanted to hurry up and eat because the seat next to us, two people had finished. Not only did they finish before us, they ate twice as much as us. At first I thought I wasn't going to be able to finish, but I did finish it and it was very satisfying~.

Anyway, I'm going to go off in a tangent because it's been sitting in my mind for a bit. Actually, it was a question I asked the friend I met today that I couldn't really answer myself. I asked if she had any intention of going back to the states. I keep wondering why I have no intention to go back to the states. I guess for me, I never really had anyone very close to me. Through high school, I never had a best friend. Nobody invited me to their house. Nobody invited me to the movies. I tried a few times to try to invite people to do things, but later on gave up because they said they were pretty busy or couldn't go because of parents. Perhaps I just relied too much on one person to be a best friend, but we never really became best friends. We each had different interests, and in the end, it never really worked out. Now that I think about it, I really wanted to have a best friend in elementary school into high school. Even when I started college, I thought I would be able to at least find someone who I could hang out. It just turned out the same story as in high school. I became forgettable. People made excuses saying that they didn't know if I was there or not. I'd see my entire floor eating together by the time to I got to the dining hall. I'd always end up eating by myself in the dining hall. I never really understood why people have never really liked me. I think I'm the type of person that people view as "no fun." I feel like I've been rejected by people all my life just because I'm boring or the stuff I'm interested in wasn't someone else's type of fun. Perhaps I am more complicated than people want to handle. I'll never really exactly know the truth.

For the past two years, I've learned to live a life away from family as well as a life without many friends. I knew that if I didn't learn fast how to cope with being alone in my life, I'd soon kill myself. The depression I experienced in college, I don't want to go back to that. I think for me, living in a big city is one way I cope with loneliness. If there are things to see, good food to eat, I can forget that I'm alone in this world. If I go back to the states, where would I go? No one is waiting for me to come home except my mother, but even then, I feel that when she retires, she has no intention of staying in America. Actually, my brother and I encourage her to go back to Hong Kong because having nothing to do in my hometown would definitely drive her insane. At least right now she has a job, so it isn't all that bad at the moment. I really don't think I can readjust to life in the states seeing how exciting life in Japan is. When I get the chance, I want to travel all around Japan. I know if I do go back to the states, it's not like I can't make friends. However, I think what hurts the most is that people's feelings in America aren't transparent. I don't know what worse: not telling a person they hate you or telling a person they hate you. At times I'd rather not know especially being told to stop being a friend in junior high. I know it happened years ago, but stuff like that sticks. You can't forget about it. I know people in Japan are know for putting up a front. I guess I can relate to that because I put up a front a lot of times. Though, I always try to be genuine with people while putting a front. Hmm, hard to explain.

Anyway, I have a lot to think about when my school ends next year in March. Though, I think it is almost certain that I am going to stay in Japan for as long as I can. Maybe I'll find some good friends here. I guess only time will tell.